What the Fuck Ever

Woah, Kick Ass

2006-10-11T10:17:00.000-07:00

The Best of Even Stevphen

2006-09-28T16:35:00.000-07:00

If you don't like this, the terrorists win. Or you are acutally a terrorist. Hi Omy!

And if you love Stephen Colbert, here, he effectively "loses his shit".

Up next: I'm still tired of these mothafucka snakes on my mothafucka plane.

Welcome to the Terrordome

2006-09-17T20:25:00.000-07:00

So the coolest moment of my life had a post script.

As I said earlier this week, I had a chance to see Chuck D speak at this college I just can't get away from. And as I said...I got to meet him. Bonus Points.

Anyway, the tenor of his lecture was awesome. He's pretty gifted at speaking and he really held the audience, which was about 900 deep, of all sorts of socio-economic status and crazy different shades of whiteness.

Among some of his main points:
1. Anti-intellectualism is the biggest threat to personal liberties.
2. People older than you have experience, listen to them.
3. "Thug Life" rappers are shit.
4. 18% of Americans have a passport. That means 72% don't want to go anywhere.
5. Culture transcends race and nationality. It's the one thing that really binds us together as humans.
6. Go Red Sox
7. Technology like IPods, cell phones, and Blu-Tooth recievers are designed to keep people isolated.
8. The state of rap is going down hill because there are no more rap groups, Americans no longer control the genre ("You're talking about guys in France that can rap in 3 languages, and some of the people over here can't rap in one."), and there are no women involved anymore.
9. The N-word is bad. It make you sound idiotic using it.
10. DJ'ing is a lost art...when was the last time a mainstream act DJ'ed? Dilated Peoples was the closest thing we could think of as a collective.

Nice.

Needless to say, I generally agree with him. I don't think I'm describing the tone well enough, because it wasn't him telling us how much we suck for 2 hours, it was pretty light, but informative. He told some anecdotes that revolve around how he formed his ethos, and did something that most speakers don't do...if he goes on a tangent, he will tie it back to the central theme (which in this case was "The Songs of Social Change".)

The best part about his lecture was that he challanged us...when someone asked a question, it wasn't a canned responce. He wasn't a minstrel up there to get paid and then go back home.

Much like in his music, you can really tell how passionate he is about...well everything.

It's been a few days, and I'm still impressed by the lecture. He still doesn't need a gun.

Up Next: I'm tired of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane.

Meeting One of My Heros (and he won't appear on no stamp)

2006-09-12T12:54:00.000-07:00

After class today, I went to the top of campus to get a piece of baklava. Having purchased said pastry I walked across the street right next to the Edwards Auditorium towards the quad...

Let me say now that URI has a nice program they do every year, called the Honors Colloquium bringing speakers in for a semester long topic. This year is Songs of Social Justice...the Rhetoric of Music. Kicking off the colloquium tonight is the founder of the greatest rap group of all time, Public Enemy.

I started listening to PE when I was 11, right after Apocalypse '91 came out. Now, it's 15 years later, and I get to listen to one of the few guys in music that touched me on an intellectual level. Though there are definately places for bitches and hos, and for poetic rap (think: Common), there is something about unrepentant anger coming out over well-expressed beats. It makes me hate Whitey just thinking about it.

Back to my travels. I see the head of the URI bookstore talking to a black guy, and they shake hands and seperate. Now you guys can guess who this guy is, seeing as though I doubt you are suffering from a gaping head wound. We walk past eachother and the ex-Carlton Ridenhour nods to me. I ask how it's going and he does the awesomest thing ever.

He stops, and tells me.

I set the record for removing my IPod buds from my ears and we talk about 5 mintues just outside the URI quad.

I'm usually cool around people more famous than me (I've met a good number of professional athletes and various performers from living in the Foxborough area as a kid and now working in an arena), but I turned into a babbling fan boy (at least in my head...I don't think I drooled on him).

Most of our conversation centered around me being a fan of his ("Thanks man, I always love hearing that."), where he found insperation behind his music ("There are a lot of fucked up situations out there that get more fucked up because you were born poor or black."), and if he watches "Flavor of Love" ("No, but it's better Flav is doing that insted of being in jail or getting more kids"). And like that, we were done.

I was planning on writing about his talk tomorrow, and I still will be, but that will be more a look at what he had to say, than how cool it is to still be overwhelmed by someone you meet.

Even if you are 26 years old.

Up Next: Welcome to the Terrordome.

The Only Station That Alternatively Rocks

2006-09-06T08:07:00.000-07:00

Where have you gone, Krist Novoselic?

I live in Rhode Island, but I grew up in Massachusetts. I graduated high school in 1999, which means that this was before the IPod thing and the only way to get portable with music was via Walkman, Discman, or by installing an antenna directly into your brain.

I had a plethora of choices when it came to listening to music. WFNX was for when I was feeling alt rock-y. WBRU when I was feeling alt rock-y, and wanted to listen to a college kid prattle narcissistically about how Radiohead saved his life in 1996. WAAF when I wanted to Only Station That Really Rocked. WBCN for when I fell asleep listening to Patriots games. You know, a 17-year-old had options!

I went down to the University of Rhode Island, and the radio options disappeared. I started "buying" music on the Internet, because the dorms down here completely kill radio signals. BCN (thank god) and AAF ([sad]) didn't come in down here in cars anyway, replaced by Rhode Island FNX, and WHJY.

Here is where life got douchy. By the time I moved out of the dorms, RIFNX (different producers and whatnot) turned into kind of a weenie AAF. WHJY appeals to the part of my brain that likes music ironically, but there is only so much Guns and Roses or Poison one guy can take without breaking out the acid wash. And thus, admitting that you cannot be a contributing member of society.

Then RIFNX died...replaced by RI WEEI. Whoopie. WBRU, the last bastion of rock music in my listening area, decided the best way to piss me off was to do a "classic alternative" during the lunch hour meaning playing things that came out in 1999 as "classic" and then playing nothing but Fall Out Boy, and the Killers.

Now, left to me is the same Brownies that I hated in high school, and the same guys that love Whitesnake!!!!!!!!!!!

Why is that?

Well, now I get my music only in IPod form, and new stuff is "bought" based on word of mouth, or if it's the theme song of "Veronica Mars." Satellite Radio was one of my binkies for a while, but I walk to work now, leaving just the IPod. I'm thinking I'm not alone here. There are a lot of alternatives to listening to the radio for music. Especially if you like rock, where there is the anti-establishment ethos built in ( was so much better before they sold out!) or rap, because you can always find underground stuff that's good, and fuck whitey.

The business model (who I gave all kinds of orgasms), I'm guessing is to take money from places to play their music, even if it isn't all that good. See: WBRU. Not because of any cognizant appeal to the lowest common denominator, but for survival against better options. It's economic, Homes.

I have no economic background, so I'm probably talking out of my ass. I will say this though...radio=sucks, IPod=rules, ergo Tibor=rules. You knew this already.

Coming Next: The List returns!

VMA's: Now with more GOLD!!! (followed by whores)

2006-09-04T08:54:00.000-07:00

Hey, it's September! I told you (Jose) I'd be back.

One of the rights of passage of early September for people around my age is the MTV Video Music awards. They've evolved into Grammys for retards, but I can't help but get sucked into one of their 500 showings over the week after they air. You never know when you're gonna stumble upon Nathaniel Hornblower might come on stage to bitch about REM.

Anyway, in this showing of the boringest of modern Americana, there was one thing that struck me. In the best hip-hop video category (named for hip-hop inspired songs, which explains "The Thong Song" winning in 2000. Actually, it doesn't.), you had basically two real nominees.

Common isn't really MTV's style, because he's not exactly the most marketable rapper...he cares more about things like making meaningful music than self-promotion (not that they are mutually exclusive). Three 6 Mafia is still kind of away from the mainstream too, despite the Oscar win...it's not like they have their own brand of energy drink out yet. And Rompe is the most annoying song I am writing about right now. Fuck you, Daddy Yankee.

No, the real contenders for this particular award were "Gold Digger" by Kayne West, and "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas. Without touching on whether these songs are rap, hip-hop, or crappy (I'll let you guess which one is crap and which is enjoyable), you have songs that give two completely different messages.

In "Gold Digger", you have Kayne rapping about how you have to be careful about women out there, especially if you have money. The three verse treatise on fame and women is basically a fun little warning about the dangers of thinking with your dick. The conflict is that she loves your cash, you love her pussy, and the kid isn't yours. Bitch a ho.

Of course the ancillary warning is that if you get mixed up with a guy that has talent and ambition when he's young...you might love him, but he's got plenty of white girls down the line that want a part in his movie. And he has just the part for him.

"My Humps" is a silly song that is a way to get the pants-pissing Fergie more attention/pub for her contribution to music, which is her ass/tits. And by silly, I mean "fucking awful".

Anyway, she brags about how guys are so in lust with her that she gets mad ices. Also, if you sexually assault her in the club, she's gonna start some drama. And you don't want no drama. If you do grab her ass, be sure to get some disinfectant to go with the handcuffs.

She doesn't want all these expensive things that guys are tripping over themselves to give her, just to get love drunk on her humps, but dammit, it would just be rude to turn them down.

The target audience of these two songs are basically the same, white people, but the demographic is much more nefarious. You have Gold Digger, which is a mainstream song from a talented KayneWest Corp. There is no real target demographic, because it's so easily marketable. Jamie Foxx is in the song doing Ray Charles. He was in Booty Call for Christ's sake!

But the very specific target of "My Humps" is teenage girls (and into their 20s). And the pederasts who want to pederast them. They have a girl singing about a girl-power topic (which usually is the one thing that will always separate actual feminism [not even militent feminism] from "I'm just a stupid girl. Tee Hee."), getting all these loser guys to buy her shit. Why? Because she has a body like Fergie!

But the song's message is lost in this particular brand of bubble gum shit. Most girls don't look like Fergie, and most guys are loath to spend most of their money on whores. Not when Madden 07 is about to drop. Basically, this song is an irritating way to make the 14-25 year old girls that listen to it all the more insufferable. Give me my Veruca Salt!

So of course, MTV caters to the greater evil, giving the Moonman to the Black Eyed Peas (henceforth known as Fergie and Three Unknowns). And I get to listen in pain next time I'm in a bar and one of these girls wearing jeans a size too small muffin-top her way to the juke box to totally play her anthem. That's why the "Play it First" option and Danzig were created.

Coming next: The only station that alternatively rocks!

Gone till September

2006-06-30T07:05:00.000-07:00

Hectic summer so far, which means it will be September 'for I post again.

Things to look forward too...
*Completion of the Simpsons list
*Other lists
*Why I hate stuff

Every time I make a run...

I Should Just Call This Place the Downfall of Americana

2006-05-30T15:54:00.000-07:00

Who the hell am I?

Sorry about the lapse in type-type-typing. I've been on an adventure that included me drinking my face off, getting kicked out of Citizen's Bank Ballpark, rocking a fever (just like Michael Jackson did)*, and moving into a new place. It was too much to hope that either of my co-writers (the Fake Tim Allen, or the Real Lisa Miller) would pick up my slack. I think they suck too.

Anyway, when I'm coming up with things to write about here, I usually come up with something I hate, and how it symbolizes the end of American culture, which peaked in the 1990s. I say that because all the songs that hipsters hate now came out in the 90s, and I still love them. Also a good amount of awesomeness happened in the 90s, some without flannel being involved. I choose to ignore the whole boy band/reality TV/presidential blowjobs body of work. Because I can.

Anyway, I become frustrated at the way things have changed, but only really with the unimportant stuff, like popular culture. I'm sure in 10 years, I'll be saying how much better the aught’s were than the 10's and by the time I'm 80, I'll be saying how the 50's were better than the 40's. That’s the way I am/roll.

However, there is a troubling trend with entertainment, that if you really enjoy a well acted, well written TV show, it will die, because of the dumbing down of America**. An example is Arrested Development. One of the funniest shows in life, that is now subject to live only in disc form, ripped from its natural habitat on TV. Whatever...the good always dies young.

And assholes/bad shows live forever. Friends was a sitcom that wasn't funny because girls loved it, and watched it with their pussy-whipped boyfriends, who either for want of maybe in the future receiving their testicles back, or perhaps never having them, said that they also enjoyed it. Don't listen to or trust these "males". Anyway, this shitcom (see what I did there? I bet you're LOLing) lasted for 10 God-awful years. I really thought this was the bottom of American TV.

Until I was poking around on Wikipedia today and found out that the CW network (the merged UPN/WB) renewed...for it's 11th season...7th Heaven.

For the uninitiated, 7th Heaven is one of those family-style shows that have misbehavior followed by a moral speech. It's Full House with more kids, less assholes with their hands up woodchuck's asses, and Jesus. The only reason for anyone to subject their kids to this vanilla, vapid, horrifying mess of a TV show would be to teach them the awesomeness of Jessica Biel's tits. I mean, there was an episode where one of the little kids was addicted to gum. For the record, I watched this show while shooting black tar heroin. If they only had 7th Heaven when I was a youth!

Anyway, I might be too harsh on 7th Heaven, but I think not harsh enough. The real moral is shit stinks forever, the good die young, and there is no hope for people that want substance over schmaltz.

Unless you have HBO. Or Cinemax, where Jessica Biel will be soon enough.

United States of Leland

2006-05-18T06:13:00.000-07:00

Just a quick movie review since I have this troubling habit of not etching out enough time at work to write about things like The Simpsons and boobies.

Yesterday, I watched the movie The United States of Leland. Basically, Leland (Ryan Gosling) plays an unflappable teenager that kills the retarded brother of his ex-girlfriend. Pearl Madison (Don Cheadle) is the teacher in prison that tries to figure out why.

Simple story, yes, but the story telling is so complex and layered that I can't really do it justice. The movie serves as a psychological drama, specifically dealing with the human balance of good vs. evil. All of the main characters have a pretty fucked up moral compass, which of course, provides the entertainment.

One of the more interesting things about the movie is casting, specifically two choices. Leland's absentee-famous-author-prick father is played by Kevin Spacey, who delievers his lines like evil Lester Burnham (American Beauty). It fit the movie at least.

The other is the selection of the completely awful Chris Klein as a kid that lives with the Pollards (the family of the murdered kid). During some of the flashbacks giving the backstory, I had a hard time figuring out which actor was supposed to be the retard. I really don't know what made them decide on Keanu Light, but goddamn was it funny trying to watch him act with guys like Kevin Spacey and Don Cheadle in the cast.

Anyway, I would recomend this one, folks. It's interesting enough to keep your attention, and good enough to watch a few times. 7/10.

Randomness on My Space

2006-05-15T19:11:00.000-07:00

Quick hit today...

There is nothing quite like playing on My Space and finding something like this:

Behold Fake John Stamos

The List: The Simpsons Seasons 1-7 (Part I)

2006-05-11T18:48:00.000-07:00

In an effort to boost ratings, I am already gimmicking my “The List” gimmick. In this vast Internet (tm) if you poke around enough, you’ll find a community that appeals to you. Through this community, you will find people you share interests with. One of those people I’ve found is Bryon Magrane of www.room19comics.com fame.

Now what does that matter? Well, gentle reader, you get to see the collectiveness of our awesome geniusosity from time to time in “The List.”

How it’s going to work is that we put together our lists of the same topic. From there, we will e-mail it to each other and comment on the listing. Then we will repost this on each other’s blog with a plug. Hopefully it will come off as delightfully snarky without being tacky. Or even if it’s tacky, I don’t so much care. You will read, and love.

Anyway, the vehicle for this first collaborated The List is “Top 10 Simpsons Episodes, Seasons 1-7”. I decided to break it up over 2 blocks because the show has been on the air for something like 42 seasons, and I think the show has evolved enough over its two halves that a split is appropriate. Also, it’s hard picking the 10 best shows over a 16 year run, even if The Simpson’s best years are behind them.

I excluded the “Treehouse of Horrors” episodes also, because I’d rather focus on the actual Simpsons, not their gimmicky (but usually funny) Halloween episode.

Without further adieu, here is “The List: The 10 Best Simpsons Episodes, seasons 1-7”.

10. Marge Gets a Job – Season 4

Marge goes to work at the Power Plant, and Burns falls in love with her, even going to the point of kidnapping Tom Jones to perform for her. Hilarity ensues At the elementary school, Bart keeps crying wolf to skip taking a test.

Season four (and five) are the most represented seasons in the list. It is definitely the high water mark of the whole run of the series, basically being the bridge between the “Eat My Shorts!” era and “Pop Culture Icon” era.

The real humor in this episode comes from the little in-jokes that are a Simpsons trademark. A good example is the subplot. Bart repeatedly tries to get out of taking a test and when he is sentenced to the hallway to take it. Of course, he is attacked by a timberwolf, and his attempts to cry wolf are ignored. Bart is doomed, until Willie comes and fights the wolf and shares some scotch with him after the battle. Don’t mess with Willie.

Quotes That Made Me Laugh:

Homer: Now, Marge, just remember. If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English. Ah, Tibor, how many times have you saved my butt?

Homer: I'm used to seeing people promoted ahead of me. Friends, co-workers, Tibor...I never thought it'd be my own wife.

Byron’s take: I thought that this was a decent episode, especially for a Marge one. And when Burns imagines Marge and “Homer” driving down the highway ragging on him ... now that’s comedy. In fact, that’s pretty much how I imagine everyone that I chat with online ... muscular, flowing golden locks, mocking me. Also, Willie’s line about the wolf sucking his (not Willie’s) mother’s teat was pretty bad ass too.

For a Scotsman, Willie’s pretty damn funny.

9. Bart the Murderer – Season 3

By accident, Bart gets a job with the Springfield Mob, lead by Fat Tony. Predictably, Bart starts to adapt to the mafia lifestyle. When Principal Skinner goes missing after giving Bart detention, Springfield’s Finest think the Mafia ordered a hit on him. They all finger Bart as the actual boss during the ensuing trial. Seymour appears at the last minute to say that his absence was the result of being trapped under un-recycled newspapers, not the mob

For some reason, I just love this episode. It’s not the funniest, or the best story in the series run, but it has high re-watchability, and the premise can still make me chuckle. There are also some really funny jokes, like the mobsters holding up in the Legitimate Businessmen’s Social Club.

Olden Simpsons is at its best when it’s simple. No wacky schemes or outrageous plots. Just a good story and let the writing take it from there. As far as Bart-centric storylines, this is a pretty solid one that came about in the middle of the transition from a show about Bart to a show about Homer.

Quotes That Made Me Laugh:

Tony: Pick a horse, kid. We're putting two dollars on the third race. Make it a good one.

Bart: Eat my shorts!

Tony: Eat My Shorts? Ah, okay...[consults the racing form] Let's see... Wait a minute, you little punk! Eat My Shorts is in the fifth race! I said the race!

Bart: Don't have a cow!

Tony: Mm...[to a fellow crony] Don't Have a Cow in the third, put a deuce on him

Byron’s Take: “What’s a moider?” Fat Tony is awesome, probably one of the most underappreciated secondary characters on the show. Legs and Louie are pretty good too. But the best part of the episode is what happened to Skinner when he was “missing”, especially dribbling the basketball, which harkened back to his advice to Bart and the envelopes.

Bonus points for the chocolate smoking indian looking like Cleveland’s Chief Wahoo and the psychic predicting splitsville for Delta Burke and Major Dad.

8. The Boy That Knew Too Much – Season 5

It’s a nice day and Bart skips school. Skinner gives chase through Springfield. Bart jumps in the back of Freddy Quimby’s jeep to escape and is ushered into a party at the Quimby compound. While in the kitchen, Bart sees a French waiter and Freddy get into a confrontation. A trial follows (spoofing the William Kennedy Smith rape trial), with Bart knowing the truth and Homer sitting on the jury with Skinner. Bart eventually comes clean and is handed three months of detention for telling the truth about skipping school.

Being from Massachusetts, I laugh at anything that deals with chowder or spoofing the Kennedy’s. I can just picture someone like Patches opening up a big can of pain on someone for saying Show-dair. Especially if they were at a airport check in.

There were two movie references in particular that I very much enjoyed. When Skinner chases Bart in the first act, he takes on a robotic, single-minded persona, which is a reference to Michael Crichton’s Westworld, with Skinner playing the Yul Brynner role. Homer’s place on the jury harken’s back to 12 Angry Men, if Henry Fonda was retarded.

Quotes That Made Me Laugh:

Principal Skinner: [thinking] Bart, I know you can read my thoughts. If i find out you cut school yesterday, your ass is mine. That's right, I think words I would never say.
Homer: [thinking] I know you can read my thoughts, boy.

Skinner: Hmmm. His brand of gum - Doublemint. Want to double your fun, Bart? Well, I'll double your detention. God, I wish there was someone around to hear that

Byron’s take: The best thing about this episode Jeff? I can imagine you imagining Patches opening up that can of pain ... though I picture Patches to look like Robin Williams reprising his role as that dude from “Good Morning Vietnam”. I bet you thought I was going to say Patch Adams, didn’t you? See I zag when you think I’m going to zig, just like Rowdy Rowdy Piper.

Anyhow, I’m not wild about this episode. I like it, especially the large rice krispies square, the spike the punch joke and the cameo of Matt Groening as the court artist. But I think that a lot of the episode is built on old Kennedy clichés, funny ones, but clichés none the less.

Maybe it’s because I live in Massachusetts and have heard the same old Kennedy joke umpteen million times before. But on the other hand, I hate the Kennedys. What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze.

7. Homer the Smithers – Season 7

At the company outing, Burns is in the car and is accosted by Lenny (who’s drunk) while Smithers is getting a big foam finger for Monty. The next day, Smithers messes up again and tries to kill himself. Burns sends him on vacation instead, and Smithers picks Homer to cover his work. After some abuse by Burns, Homer decks him. Burns becomes self-reliant, and fires Smithers when he comes back. Homer and Smithers scheme to get Waylon his job back, which fails. In the fist fight that follows, Burns is pushed out the window and needs Smithers again. Everyone is happy.

The reason this episode ranks so high is just the absurd stupidity of Homer. It’s really, really tough not to laugh at just how incompetent he is at being Burns’ personal assistant. Sometimes dumbed down comedy works and in this case it does. I challenge someone not to laugh when Smithers is talking about how Burns and his mother don’t get along because of her affair with William Taft, and Homer says “Taft, you dog.”

Quote That Made Me Laugh:

Homer: Here are your messages. "You have thirty minutes to move your car". "You have ten minutes". "Your car has been impounded". "Your car has been crushed into a cube". "You have thirty minutes to move your cube". (phone rings) Hello, Mr. Burns' office.

Burns: Is it about my cube?

Byron’s Take:

Meh. I think that this episode begins the disappointing slide of simply making Homer do stupid things for laughs. There are a lot of good scenes, especially the one about Taft, but I was never really impressed with this one.

Though this was one of the first episodes where Smithers’ alternative lifestyle was strongly hinted at. Reach for that rainbow, Patches!

6. Homer the Heretic – Season 4

Because he doesn’t want to go to church, Homer stays at home one Sunday morning. Due to this being the “greatest day of his life,” Homer abdicates himself from Reverent Lovejoy’s flock and starts his own religion. The Flanders, Marge etc try to bring Homer back into the fold, but he has none of it. Finally, he causes a fire in the house and is saved by the Springfield Volunteer fire department made up of a Christian (Flanders), a Jew (Krusty) and a Hindu (Apu).

This episode mixed two very distinct thought processes into one plot, which is one of the first time a serious topic was treated lightly by a cartoon. The first is a critique of organized religion. Between the fact that Lovejoy’s parish is shown more as a moral obligation than a place to fight enlightenment (Marge is forced to try and fix the car in the cold because none of her Christian brothers helped her when her car stalled out), and the fact that trying to bring Homer back to the Church without caring about his actual devotion (numbers over faith; Homer is demonized in a sermon), organized religion is shown as little more than a place to spend an hour on Sundays.

The converse, which dovetails nicely with the organized religion critique, is the fact that Homer leaves to live his Sunday’s to sin. He over-indulges, and commits all of the deadly sins in the span of one morning. Homer rambles about Jesus’ ideas without knowing about it (guy with the long hair…), showing his “religion” is little more than an excuse to be a blasphemer (thanks, Lisa!). This is the one of the more important episodes of the Simpsons for little more reason than to serve as a social commentary in addition of being funny.

Quotes That Made Me Laugh:

Homer: Kids, let me tell you about another so-called "wicked" guy. He had long hair and some wild ideas. He didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was... I forget. Marge, you know what I'm talking about. He used to drive that blue car.

Homer: Ahh! Fire! Wait, the song! (sings) Oh, when the fire starts to burn, there's a lesson you must learn. Something something, then you'll see...you'll avoid catastrophe. D’oh!

Byron’s Take:
I had this on my long list, this is a terrific episode for all of the reasons that you mentioned. BTW, my wife just asked me what I was doing and when I told her she called both of us nerds. She has no idea how important these Blogs are.

Anywho, Homer’s waffles are the greatest thing ever. I would pay top dollar to know how the hell he made them and what “liquid smoke” is. The best part is how the house caught on fire, Homer’s cigar lit a bunch of Playdudes on fire. Like Jeff said, this is an important episode because of the way that religion, mostly the hypocrisy of organized religion, creeps into every day life. And in the end, the old axiom of “let’s join hands and help the fat heathen escape the fire” proved to be true.

Reverend Lovejoy’s smack down of Apu and the Hindu religion as a whole at the end was pretty funny too.

Don’t forget to check out Byron’s Blog at www.19thoughts.blogspot.com or www.room19comics.com .

Amerikan Idle

2006-05-10T06:01:00.000-07:00

Last night, I was poking around at some of the news stories on Yahoo, and I read about the dire situation that ABC is in. They have three shows in the top 11 in viewership (Lost, Desperate Housewives, and Grey's Anatomy), but are languishing in fourth place behind CBS, Fox, and NBC. I guess there is a God by sheer virtue of the network featuring According to Jim languishing in last.

When I was growing up, Fox was always in last. They basically had the Simpsons, Married...with Children and little else. But a few years ago, they started making inroads to actual broadcast respectability, and now are buoyed on the strength of one program. American Idol.

American Idol is, in case you've been in a coma or have been taken captive in the Holy Land, a show ripped from the bosom of Mother England. The travel of the show is they take a shit load of people without talent and exploit them for laughs, due to their inability to sing. This is to hook straight men. After these two episodes, the next four months are spent knocking people out as they perform vocal spasming on stage, eventually getting the least visually/aurally offensive contestant to shuck teenage-girl friendly CD's for eternity.

Yessir, that Simon Fuller is a genius.

Anyway, predictably, I'm not a big fan of this program...If I wanted to see people who can't sing, I'd go to a bar late at night and play "Bad Medicine" by Bon Jovi on the jukebox. I think the premise is completely destructive to the world of music.

Take this example...If you know anyone that is between 22-28, they frequently don't listen to the radio. The reasoning is that there is a cynicism about the stuff that is released as singles. The quality of the song is frequently is generally listener friendly, rather than good. That's the trade-off for the album's advertisement, the single being a four minute commercial for the artist/album/tour.

Now, that's actual musicians. Turn on stations like Hot95 or Mix103 and you'll find the more basic form of music...the pop song. Now don't get me wrong, I do enjoy some pop music in it's current form, but it's not really good music. That's the shit you sing when no one is looking, and you're embarrassed to admit to your friends that you like (for me anyway. I hang out with people that like good music, such as it is). The anatomy of a pop song is you get someone who can either dance, or sing and put them in front of musicians that are manipulated digitally. They should also be as attractive as possible. Make sure the lyrics are either full of vapid self-realization or canned, labeled emotion, and bang...you have a song in heavy rotation.

American Idol takes away all the pretense of this and says, "We're going to give you a non-challenging album to listen to in 6 months. Here is a 5 month long commercial for it". The first single will undoubtedly be played ad nauseum for a while before the winner finally fades into obscurity (Kelly Clarkson being the obvious exception). Rinse, lather, repeat. Simon Cowell then has sex with a disproportionally hot woman on a bed made of money.

The premise is genius because it appeals to the lowest common denominator, and it remarkably transparent in it's goal. People will always watch because people like to watch things that make them feel like they are important (VOTE!!! TEXT 4343 with JOOR PEEK!) and people like to be entertained by silly little parts of life, like watching a singing contest. As a form of entertainment, I can see why it's so popular.

As a fan of music, American Idol is dangerous, and I don't see how you can reconcile watching it with being a fan of music. American Idol serves as a major problem in thinking about American culture. Wait for the finals...do you think more people are going to vote for the winner of American Idol, or will vote in the mid-term elections in November?

You Should Go to This Site, Always

2006-05-08T19:34:00.000-07:00

Imagine you are on the Internet (tm), and you stumble into a chatroom. But this isn't any chatroom, heck no. This is one where Major League Baseball players are talking about things that are affecting them. Now imagine they chat like anyone else, which is to say in the way the brain damaged communicate with each other, and the drop pop culture references like a Bill Simmons on bath tub crank, and you have The Dugout.

The Dugout (http://www.wordupthome.com) is a daily-updated segment of the Progressive Boink humor site that acts as the Official Chatroom of Major League Baseball players. Sometimes the humor is absurd (Manny Ramirez is made the GM of the Red Sox), to the dark (Breast cancer and Glendon Rusch), to providing commentary (Bonds Has Nothing to Do with Bonds on Bonds). Sometimes it falls flat, but the whole body of work usually makes me laugh when I'm scoring at home. Or even if I'm alone.

Part of the appeal of the site is the personalities that the writers (Four Progressive Boinkers, Jon, B, Nick, and Mike) create in their little realm for the players. Jim Thome is a borderline retarded man-child. Kyle Farnsworth is a hyper-nerdy bad ass. They come up with new ways to get Mark Prior and Frank Thomas injured. The characterizations seem out there, but they can match the player (and their pics) just enough to be believable.

Here is a sample of 10 of my favorites to get you started:
Melvin Mora's Line Drive
The Temperature of Citizens Bank Park
The Pinch Hitter
Bobby Abreu Represents
Red vs. Blue vs. Yellow
The Houston/Oakland Rap War
Spring Training: Chicago Cubs
I Bet Pedro Feliz Does Steriods
Season of Love II
D I V O R C E

So go there always. There is a link to your right.

Lesbians!

2006-05-05T08:51:00.000-07:00

Let me bring you on a little journey I took last night.

I went to the Red Sox/Blue Jays game up at Fenway with my girlfriend. We were sitting in the centerfield bleachers and enjoying a nice time at the ballpark. Before the game, I was sitting back and enjoying the scenes of the game (the warmups and the like) and an attractive girl, wearing a form fit Manny Ramirez jersey, and a Red Sox hat sat down with a beer in the row in front of me and joined me in a silent drinking in of the scenery.

About an inning into the game, she was joined by a friend of hers, who would medal in any "I'd like to bang her" contest, wearing a red Ramirez shirt over a long-sleeved teeshirt. Her nose was pierced with a small diamond stud, and she had the trendy girl glasses in her hair. It's important to keep the scalp protected from UV rays.

About an inning after that (second-third, whatever), my girlfriend leans over and says "I think those two in front of us are lesbians." Immediately, I started tracking their moves (later, I'll let you know how she knew). They did some subtle things, like L1 putting her arm around L2 and leaning in to hear better, and touchy flirty things that girls do to one another to get attention.

They got up for more beer and the first one was wearing men's jeans, and kept her wallet in her ass pocket. This cemented it for me. She also wore no makeup, which I just thought that she was tom boyish, more than anything else. Lesbian confirmation was reached when in the 5th, they kissed on the lips (quick peck when no one was looking). In the 7th, a really drunk hot girl pulled her shirt up and then feigned outrage when the guys wanted her to show a tit...L1 said "I wanted to see that" or some such.

Either way, two attractive girls being actual lesbians in the wild is not something that you see very often. Usually it's to secure a free beer or get even with daddy for a few months before rubbing up against a frat boy at a party. Or even worse, Rosie O'Donnell lesbians.

Lest there be an accusation of homophobia lurking in your minds (because I hate Rosie O'Donnell), my stance on gays of any walk of life is that they are people just like anyone else. It's not that what they do in their bedrooms isn't my business, it's that what they do in their bedrooms is no different than what I do in mine, save the equipment of the apparatus. Yes, I will get kneed in the face and then in the nuts for that tonight.

But the lesbians of fantasy are much different than the lesbians of stereotype (or reality). I'm not sure where the fantasy one comes from other than a sensory overload of vagina, but there is something to be said for looking at the Lord of the Rings of the sexual world...that of a few hot girls that like to rub and stuff. I bet if you polled straight women, they'd rather see two comely lasses have at each other than two gay guys doing same of proportional attractiveness. I think it's only human to dig the hot girlsex. I don't think I want to delve any deeper into that.

So because of the fantasy land lesbians being on my mind all the time, seeing a couple in Fenway Park that would both be of the lipstick variety (L1 wouldn't be comfortable in high heals and a dress, but she'd look pretty good in it. L2 would look good in anything. Or nothing [rimshot]) was an exciting moment from me. My girlfriend actually indulged me (Lesbains!) more than she would have if hotty lezzies were more commonplace.

How did she know about the orientation of these two women? Easy she says, to pick out the more dominant lesbian in the relationship. This criteria is to be taken en toto for L1:
1. Her ponytail was of the messy variety, but it was right in the middle of the back of her head. Not up cutely, or down loosely.
2. No makeup
3. She wore Oakley sunglasses
4. Her shoe choice (keds or K-Swiss)

I didn't notice any of this, nor should I being a straight man. I'm pretty oblivious anyway, since it took me seeing her stand up twice to notice she was wearing guys jeans.

As a final mention, after Kevin Youkilis hit his 2nd home run of the year, I got a chance to high five the lesbians. Both had very nice high 5's. From this point forth, I think that "Good at high 5's" should be added to the cannon of lesbian stereotypes.

Coke-induced ramblings

2006-05-03T15:07:00.000-07:00

Even lamer than my lack of postage up here (let's pretend it's, oh, four Tuesdays ago, when I was supposed to post in the first place) are my thoughts on MySpace. I think that's partially because yes, I have a MySpace page, and yes, I probably spend more time than I should there. Yes, I put music on it, and pimped it out with a background that might give you a seizure just by looking at it. But, as a cultural phenomenon, ya just can't help but comment on it.

Whether used as a popularity gauge (how many friends do YOU have? And is Dane Cook one of them?), a stalking tool for sex-starved men living in their parents' basement, or the "social networking tool" it's meant to be, it's a bizarre, time-wasting vortex that few people can resist. My roommate, who shall remain nameless (partly because she's from Kentucky, and who wants to admit that?) noted the other day that many of her sorority sisters back home have recently jumped on the bandwagon as well.

Anyway, there's too much to say, and I can't get it all out while on this crazy caffeine high (2 coffees, 2 cokes = no good), I'm going to continue this in-depth analysis (hmmm) tomorrow.

The List: My 10 Most Hated Boston Red Sox

2006-05-01T10:34:00.000-07:00

Everyone who reads this blog religiously (Like Mormonism with more drinking and more virgins!) knows I'm a Red Sox fan.

Over the last few years, the Sox have had some pretty fun teams. However, before the 2003 season (the one I had more fun watching than any other ever), the Sox were largely an unlikable team filled with dickfaces and assholes.

The only limits are that the players needed to be post-strike, and my imagination. Enjoy the first The List.

10. Steve Avery

So much promise with the Braves, laid at the feet of an abusive Bobby Cox. Cox beat Avery like he was married to him. Cox didn't even get probation this time. My quibble isn't with Avery as much as it is with Jimy Williams. Williams gave Avery a start that vested his option for 1998, keeping him on the team. This was the first time I wished an arm injury on a Red Sox starter.

9. Mike Greenwell

Gator was always hurt, and just generally annoying. He did things like fight Mo Vaughn (a man I am currently still in love with) and bitch about teammates to the press.

His campaigning for the 1988 MVP last year was pretty shameless, especially since Boggs was a better player in 88.

The reason that Greenwell is reserved a special place in hell revolves around his inability to out play Ted Williams (then in his 70s) in left field. Two famous collisions involve Ellis Burks getting a concussion, and Lee Tinsley actually dying in left field as Greenwell stood over him and yelled "This is how we do it in Fenway, bitch." A young Gabe Kapler smiled.

8. Pokey Reese

I know, he was one of the 25. But in 2004, the truly awfulness of Pokey Reese was obfuscated by his glove and his easily chantable name.

If you ever wanted to see me fly into a rage, have there be two outs, a guy on second, and Reese on deck. The fact that Mueller wasn't intentionally walked 231 times that year was just simply amazing since the Red Sox had Reese in the pitchers spot.

The only Red Sox I could ever really hate off that World Series team...even Phil Siebel, Sandy Martinez, and Frank Castillo get love. Hell, I hate Nomar more for getting hurt and subjecting us to Reese for a few months before he got hurt.

The two silver linings Reese has is that his inability to hit showed what an asset Mark Bellhorn was when Nomar did come back, and Reese was a black Red Sox loved in Boston...not exactly the most populous demographic.

7. Tony Clark

He's a second half player. He'll break out of it soon enough. Just have faith.

Nouveau Red Sox fans should look at Clark's line in 2002 when they want to talk about Kevin Millar.

The most stressful moment in 2004 was when Clark, then with the Yankees, was up in a chance to end the Era of Good Feeling in that ALCS. Right before Foulke struck him out, a friend of mine said "He's still fucking screwing the Red Sox".

Clark holding a bat is purely coincidental.

6. Shea Hillenbrand

Hillenbrand is just a stupid player. He was a poor fielder, didn't know the strike zone at all, and was horrible on the basepaths.

The worst thing about Hillenbrand is that he would fool everyone by hitting .400 or so in April and end the season hitting .270. This caused a friend of mine to quip that May 15th was Shea Hillenbrand day. His words...

"Every May 15th is when the league remembers they can throw the ball in the dirt and Hillenbrand will swing. They remember they don't need to throw him a strike. So this year, I'm going to the batting cages with an axe to celebrate."

When he was traded, Shea called Theo Epstein a faggot. Theo promptly won the World Series and celebrated by finding Hillenbrand and jamming a bat up his ass yelling "Faggot DEEEZ NUTZZZ."

5. Lou Merloni

Between the 63 times Merloni was shuttled between Boston and Pawtucket, Merloni always seemed to do something stupid.

Between bitching about playing time, saying things like the Red Sox making a mockery of his career, and fueding with Ben Affleck, he should have worked on things like playing baseball well.

But he was from Framingham, and he was Nomar's friend on those cold nights when only a man's touch would suffice, so he got plenty of rope to not be good with.

The fact that some called him Governor Lou was pretty aprospo, considering Merloni hit like Jane Swift. And for that, he fucked a porn star.

4. Wil Cordero

So ashamed of the Wil Cordero era are the Red Sox, they've completely erased all pictures of him from the internet wearing Red Sox garb.

He didn't hit after the promising start to his career in Montreal, and was one of the gentlemen that was part of the muddled soup in left field between Mike Greenwell and Manny Ramirez. The fact that he's a plank on the bridge between Ted Williams and Manny is kinda funny.

Of course, he most known for deciding to tell his wife he disagreed with her by pummeling her head with a telephone until she lost consciousness. Normally I don't care about off field stuff that much but he wasn't productive or white enough to be able to bury it like Derek Lowe.

3. Mike Lansing

The cost of doing business getting Rolando Arrojo, I'm convinced that Lansing was signed because he looks like Alan Embree and Duquette got confused.

The Lansing hate goes two fold. He was a terrible baseball player who ran his mouth for a year and a half in Boston, and was paid $6.5 million to do things like "kill rallies" and "give me an aneuryzm.

The second is that he was a symbol of what was wrong with the Duquette era end game. Players like him were drains on the roster and on the payroll, yet Duke kept grabbing them to desprately win a World Series while under the Yawkey stewartship. Duquette never learned that throwing monies at Lansing, or O'Leary or Bichette hurt more than the overpaying for Pedro and Manny.

2. Jose Canseco

Easily the most unlikable player in recent major league history. Would be number one on this list if I didn't hate #1 with an undying passion.

When you take Canseco's body of work, you see a dispicable person who happened to be able to hit a baseball. The extra-curricular shit like the steriods, cocaine, fights, fucking Madonna just pulled him out of his talent and he ended up being probably about 70% of the player he could have been if he was just a ball player rather than a C-list celebrity.

Canseco's Boston legacy is providing backup thunder for Mo Vaughn, being a complete dickhead to kids in Pawtucket, undecipherable interviews, and an amusing habit of going through a series of facial ticks before doing just about anything.

Of course the ironic thing is that Canseco is the point man of the steriod controversy and might go down in history as the Upton Sinclair of baseball's drug problems. More likely, he'll go down as the Hal Chase.

1. Dante Bichette

Note this pose because it might be the only time in happened in Bichette's whole worthless career in Boston.

The good: Bichette gave me one of the best names I've heard for a message board poster (Bichette's Inferno) and went back to back with Manny twice in that game in Toronto when Manny hit that ball off Chris Carpenter that hit the top level.

The bad: Everything else.

The Red Sox traded Chris Reistma to the Reds for the honor of paying Bichette $7 million for a year and a month of his services. This price tag was what the Reds thought would have been fair considering he was a good hitter in Colorado, which makes you a poor hitter.

Anyway, let me typify the Bichette experience. He wouldn't kill you offensively, he'd bleed you. Guy on first with less than two outs? He'd hit a 27 hopper to the first baseman on the first pitch that took just enough time to stop the double play. Bases loaded with less than two outs? Bichette would take a mighty swing and pop up the pitch, so no runs could score. Need a baserunner? If Bichette could strike out on one pitch, he would. He was good enough to take the requistite three though. I hate you Dante Bichette, I fucking hate you.

Just a quick note, some people will probably think "Where is Carl Everett?" Everett never annoyed me as a player...he was just fucking crazy. If you couldn't find humor in Carl Everett, then you probably need to look in the mirror, head butt yourself, and say how homosexuality is a sin while loving lesbians.

Why I want to be an NBA player (The Tales of Brave Greg Oden)

2006-04-25T18:38:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you a little story about Greg Oden.

Greg Oden is an 18 year old chap from Lawrence North High School in Indiana. He's also the best high school basketball player in the country. Oden signed a letter of intent to Ohio State to play next year, because the NBA stupidly thinks that someone who is completely ready for the NBA has to wait due to the fact that he's only 18.

Anyway, he's 7', and his face looks like Robert Parrish.

HE ALSO LOVES THE COOTCHIE!!!

Now, we know that this girl sees dollar signs (it's pretty much a forgone conclusion that Oden will be the top pick of the 2007 draft), while Oden just sees honeypot, but this is a situation that I've never found myself in.

Especially with a girl who's thighs don't meet.

A New Feature

2006-04-24T12:28:00.000-07:00

Hello, my good readers.

Because of the derth of ideas coming out of my compadre (she was supposed to post something Thursday, keeping me from writing this actually), I've decided to publically release her e-mail address to have the 8 people per day (10 during the week! Watch out, My Space) harrass her about writing, since it hasn't worked when I do it yet. Her e-mail is cutieparteegurl69@aol.com*.

Now, I'm going to let you in on a little secret...I think very organizationally. You know, lists, connections, structure ect. Because of that, I love watching all those stupid "Best Rap/Metal Fusion of Foreverness!" type shows that populate VH-1 (not the ones on E...the production gives me eye cancer.)

Now, I've always organized things like that in my mind...best NSync songs, favorite colonial explorers, 50 ways to leave your lover...so I figure it's a good to great idea to present these little lists of life on this place. Not only that, I'm arrogent enough to demand that you people care.

I'll be busting this little bad boy out on Fridays, because it seems like an end of the week thing. I think the first topic will probably be "Top 7 women that Abe Vigoda have had sex with." Stay tuned.

*This is not her real e-mail address. It's a gmail account.

Ten Ways to Get Whatever You Want

2006-04-19T15:55:00.000-07:00

There once was a time when I had no authority in life. I was but a humble servent at my various jobs, earning slightly more than minimum wages, yet below the National Hobo Demarcation line. I had a girlfriend who wanted "equal affection" or whatever. I don't know I don't listen to her. I was walking through life as a college Willy Loman. I felt like I was a welcome mat at the door of life.

One night, in 2001, I had an epiphany (I'm sure alcohol was involved)...I needed to get what I wanted. So I devised ten strategies to get things I wanted. I am now sharing them with you.

1. Swear at people.
Once you call someone a "fucking asshole motherfucker", they think you mean business. When you mean business, you get what you want.

2. Come up with a violent solution to a simple problem.
The clerk said you're a dime short? Threaten to blow up his house. Airline lost your luggage? Scream something in Arabic while pointing around. The sky is the limit here. If that still doesn't work, use insane comic violence. I made mention to the fact that a clerk might actually hold you up for a dime. If you don't want to pay, and he dickedly pushes the issue even after you threaten his homestead, tell him he has a meeting with your Trident of Justice.
NOTE: This only works if you have a trident.

3. Shake your genitals at them.
Rock out with your cock out. That will show them who is boss, thus giving you anything you could possibly want. When they say yes, get hard. For women, use the boobs. Please? Just do it.

4. Invent words to call people
Joe Jerkoff will give you what you want if you call him something to show a kinship...
*Homeskillet
*Broseph
*Jimmy Jack
You get the idea.

5. Threaten someone's family.
Everyone one loves their family! If your bartender cuts you off, there is only one thing for your drunk-but-lovable ass to do. Threaten to rape his mother.

6. Appeal to the intellect.
Or lack there of. There is a reason Little Suzie is working the fryolator. It's because she's stupid, or 14. When she oversalts your fries, be sure to give her a fair ration of your superior intellect. Remember, if she was smart, she'd be yelling at people in the service industry, right next to you. Waddle over to refill your Coke as they redo your order. This getting what you want is thirsty business.

7. Carry a squirt gun
No one wants to mess with you while you're strapped, motherfucker.

8. Talk fast without saying anything.
This is a tricky strategy. I suggest watching a lot of Gilmore Girls or Dawson's Creek. Resist the urge to remove your testicles and put them away for save keeping. If you're already a women, you know this strategy all too well already.

9. Talk like a different ethnicity.
Word, holmes. Peoples geev joo respek if ya step up on dem. People don't like dealing with others that might be vaugly racist, so they'll give you what you want just to keep you at bay. This works best if you're Jewish or wearing a tuxedo.

10. Remind people how you voted for Bush.
Remember, they are either with us, or against us. Tell that douchebag behind the counter to give you another sixer, because you support our troops and our president. If he doesn't like it, he hates our freedom. Be sure to tell him to abide your wishes or he is unpatriotic. Make sure to hum "America, Fuck Yeah!" Even better, if it's a public servent, remind him that he works for you due. The customer is always right.

If you remember these things, you will always get exactly what you want. And you are on a fast track to Easy Street.

Rock out with your Sox out

2006-04-18T18:04:00.000-07:00

Under the imminent threat of death from Tibor, I'm making my debut post, not having a damn thing to say.

I have a feeling this might be a recurring theme, but hey, I'm new to this blogging stuff. I kind of figure, who the hell cares what I have to say?

Then again, that's the great thing about blogs. They're a nice form of self-publishing, journal-writing, and ranting all rolled into one. I've been tempted to blog on MySpace...er, not that I'm on MySpace or anything (an Internet phenomenon that is ultimately the downfall of society, but I'll get to that another day - another day there's yet another news story about some sick 56-year old man who uses MySpace to seduce 14 years olds...so in other words, I'll be back tomorrow).

For now, I'm honored to be able to share whatever mindless drivel on this fine, fine message board. Don't write me off just yet!

I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom

2006-04-12T11:36:00.000-07:00

I think I'm starting to run out of steam, on this my third week of posting. Six posts have been made, and I think I'm enough at the top of my game where I should think about retiring.

Who am I kidding? There is way too much fucked up shit out there that either makes me laugh, cry, or very angry. Most of it involves people born after 1983.

Now, I was born in 1980, which was a long ago time where Ronald Reagan had not yet been President and George Lucas had not yet given his first Muppet stick in which to fight an advanced race of people, complete with space blasters. Because of this, I came to like music, TV, movies, and all that mess in the 91-95 range. Which is to say that it was a very good time indeed.

Post 1983, there is a void that can only be filled with boy bands. I think if I was born in 1986, for example, and my twelve year old brain was hit with 98 Degrees, and NSYNC, and Backstreet Boys, I think I'd have horrible tastes in shit also. Sure, I had New Kids On the Block, and New Edition, but I'm still waiting for someone from this late 90's resergence of Boy Banding to come up with something as sublimely brilliant as Poison. If not for Poison, I might have trusted a big butt and smile. I know better now.

For the people that were born in the late-70's and early-80's, when we become kitschy and need to like the same music as the sub-generation right before us, we were met with New Wave bands like the Smiths, the Cure, Depeche Mode, or other bands of the years of our birth, like the Talking Heads. Right after me...they listen to the first wave of non-offensive, mainstream hip hop. This also explains why people my age whine a lot, and the girls did things like "wear flannel" while the crew right after us lived hedonistic lives, and the girls made out with each other a lot for free drinks.

So, my hatred of people born after January, 1983 comes from a time two years ago when I was sitting in a bar with an extensive juke box. I was sitting with some of my friends...one guy born in 1976, and a few more closer to my age. Next to us were people I knew well, but where from a different time, the freshly 21 crew (for full context, it was May, 2004).

On the juke box comes the first few notes of a song. I wish we had audio here in blog land, but it was "do do do dododo do do do dododo". I picked up the base right away and recognized the opening as "Under Pressure", the catchy duet with David Bowie and Queen. To my right shrieks one of the girls in the group... "I love Vanilla Ice!"

I honestly don't know which is more disturbing...proclaiming Vanilla Ice love (never would have happened if people her age [yes I know only 3 years younger than me] were cognizant of him at the time), or not knowing the difference between "Under Pressure" or "Ice Ice Baby".

My generation enjoyed a great amount of good music (Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Rage Against the Machine ect...) with some crappy mistakes (sorry about Limp Bizkit). The people in colleges now listen to Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance. Sorry, After-1983 people. Fuck You.

Forrest Gump and Why I Hate People

2006-04-10T13:45:00.000-07:00

I hate Forrest Gump.

Yeah, I know, a functional retard has a wonderful life as he is interwoven into the fabric of baby boomer Americana. Great story! I remember being pissed as a 14 year old watching three legitimately great films (Quiz Show, Shawshank Redemption, and Pulp Fiction) get turked by Tard Farm 94.

So, as some of my limited audience knows, I work on a college campus. The best place to work on this hilly gem in bucolic Kingston is via shuttle bus. Last Friday, I got on said bus with this cast of characters:
1. Bus driver (great guy named David)
2. Reject from Zach Wylde look-alike contest
3. Artiste student wearing $120 jeans
4. Fat art student that $120 jean wearer keeps around so she looks prettier
5. Me (Tibor)

Because I was waiting at the shuttle stop with Miss Tibor, I didn't bother putting in my IPod before climbing on the shuttle. This was my first mistake.

I get on the shuttle, 2 (out of 5) rows behind Zach. The next stop, the Art Twins come on the bus. They proceed to see that the only see the bus driver, a metal guitarist, and me sitting on the bus, so they sat on the back bench. Then they had this conversation speaking as loud as they possibly can (my thoughts in italics)
Artiste: My boyfriend came over last night and he wanted to watch a movie [Meow meow meow]
Tubby: OMG!!!!
Artiste: Yeah, I told him that if he picked something stupid I he WASN'T GETTING ANY TONIGHT!!! [Looks back to see if she is hot enough to make such a request. Hotness confirmed. Did she raise her voice at the end to warn me and my boy Zach about her propensity to not give up the pussy? Time will tell]
Tubby: OMGLOLOLOLOL! You are so bad!!!!! [Obvious self esteem issues confirmed]
Artiste: I know, right! [Right on sister!] Anyway, he totally pulled attitude, and he said "Well, what do you want to watch?" so I totally said "Why don't we watch Forrest Gump?" [Coughs] He was like "Oh yeah! I love that movie!"
Tubby: OMG! I love that movie! It's so good and I love the sound track and I think Tom Hanks [hums Bosom Buddies theme song] is so good in it!!!!! LOL!!!! [Why is she typing like a 12 year old girl writes on the internet?]
Artiste: I totally agree. It's my favorite movie. [Number two must be Crossroads] It really lets me know that anyone can accomplish anything. [I should say something here, but it's my stop, and Zach just pulled what looks like a Tech-9 out of his bag. It's for the best]

Now, I can understand why someone might like Forrest Gump, especially if you just recently suffered a massive head trauma. It's safe, it's a feel good story with just enough canned emotion and political commentary (War is bad! AIDS sucks! You ain't got no legs!) to make it feel introspective. I'd just rather it didn't have the smaltzy "Dur! Me and the whore are peas and carrots again! Let me run for 6 years!" story lines that are really insulting to the audience's intelligence. I don't think it was genesis' total intent to do that, but there is a reason why the book was basically chain-sawed so we can see Forrest do things like show his ass to LBJ.

What I can't understand how this can be on anyone's favorite movie list. Now I fancy myself as someone with a kind of hypocritical superiority over those who I meet. I'll say how some of my favorite movies are pretentious favorites like Chinatown and the Godfather (they are) while loving low-class drek like Super Troopers. But I can't understand the appeal of a movie that basically says "If you are dumb, and you have people do all sorts of things for you, you will succeed in life"

The people I encounter on a day to day basis seem to have this mindset. They do dumb things, ask stupid questions, and act in a manor that typifies the kind of brainless zombie like trance that Forrest Gump uses to make it through life in Buttfuck, Alabama. It's a fantasy world that normal people like to embrace as away to remove themselves any accountability for their actions.

The worst part about Forrest Gump is that I have to live through it every day.

Pine Barrens

2006-04-05T09:12:00.000-07:00

There used to be a time I loved TV. Growing up, I would watch the good (Seinfeld/NewsRadio), the bad (Wings) and the so mind-numbingly stupid that I'm embarrassed to say I watched it now (Lovitz-era NewsRadio).

Now, because real life has smacked me into a puddle of smarmy protoplasm, I don't have time/energy to watch TV (there are distractions in life, like reading, loving, writing, and playing Tiger Woods 2006. Guess which one I do the most). This is a supreme being's way of mocking me for watching Wings, I think.

Anyway, now, if there is a good TV show on, I wait for other people to tell me how good it is, and then I buy the DVD set when it comes out. Occasionally, I'll even sample it before I buy, because I'm not in the business of paying for shit like Friends. Even if I would still nail Jennifer Aniston. Not Courtney Cox though...After letting David Arquette touch your naughty bits, you need to have transplant surgery, not just take a shower.

What this means is that my DVD collection is like a "Who's Who of TV from the mid-90's to today". I have cartoons (Aqua Teen, South Park, Family Guy, and Simpsons...Maybe more). Good shows that don't get much play (Oz [for the man rape]...Homicide), and really good shows that blow'ed up (Sopranos, Law and Order, and the West Wing).

So I was laying in bed last night watching the third season of the Sopranos again, and I put in the last disc. The first episode is actually one of my favorites of that season, "Pine Barrens". To quickly refresh you of the plot, Paulie and Christopher make a pick up for Silvio (who has the flu) at a Russian's house (more in depth: Slava's best friend Valery. Tony uses Slava to launder money). Paulie does Paulie things and they end up killing Valery and drive down to Pine Barrens in South Jersey to drop the body.

They get there, the Russian isn't dead, so they have him dig his own grave. Valery hits Chris and Paul with the shovel, and runs. Paulie shoots him in the head and they go to see him...he's disappeared with no blood trail. Hilarity ensues as Chrissy and the Walnut get lost, and have to wait in a van fighting their own insanity until the next morning when Tony and Bobby Bacala find them.

I've seen this episode 2-3 times before last night, but something really drove home with me. When Bacala and Tony pick them up, they make mention of the fact that Paulie's car is missing. The presumption there is that Valery somehow evaded Chris and Paulie, and stole Paulie's car to escape. They talk it up, even with Tony asking if they should go find him in the woods, because he "can never tell his story".

It's now in the six season, and Valery has never been mentioned as a plot point again. Paulie or Chris will occasionally mention him in the "Hey, remember that night we got lost in Pine Barrens?" but nothing came from Valery or Slava. In fact, neither Slava nor Valery appeared in a future episode.

My question is why? Slava said he would do anything for Valery, to the point of crying in the episode. He's a gangster! I can't see how something like this could be glossed over. Slava is presumably smart enough to be able to launder almost half a million dollars for Tony, but he can't figure out that his best friend is missing, or that Tony's guys are probably responsible. If Valery is still alive and did steal the car, he doesn't tell Slava? What the fuck?

Of all the seasons of the Sopranos, I thought the fourth was the weakest. I thought the characters quit developing, and the writing was flat...not that there wasn't a high enough body count. An episode involving Tony in trouble with both New York (over the Esplanade) and the Russians would have made a much better pick than that bizarrely horrible Columbus Day episode.

Welcome to Allentown!

2006-04-03T15:44:00.000-07:00

Who am I? I am Tim Allen! ARH ARH ARH!

You might remember me as the father on Home Improvement ARH ARH ARH! The Santa Clause (one, two and three! lol!) and The Toy Story with that tom guy or something. MORE POWER ARH ARH ARH!

I don't understand something. Why are guys like David Cross, Jim Gaffigan, Brian Possain, Louis CK, and Dave Attell allowed to ruin the business? All through the 80s (when I was doing a lot of coke! lol! for MORE POWER ARH ARH ARH) guys like me got tv shows off "Take my wife. PLEASE! arh arh! and "Men are destructive assholes ARH ARH ARH but women love us for it ARH ARH ARH. I can't form a complete thought

Now I know there are guys like Jerry Seinfeld that was a success by being funny, rather than telling jokes. but that takes effort! ARGHHG? (inquisitive grunt)

Tell these knuckleheads (lol!) to stop and go see Shaggy Dog. Or I'll have to sell more coke! ARH ARH ARH!

Waiting...

2006-04-02T09:32:00.000-07:00

There is a certain sub-set of comedy that I can just watch over and over again, and still think the jokes are funny. It's a hard genre to define simply because there are so few movies in this group, and on their face, there really aren't that many similarities.

Off the top of my head, we have (chronologically):
Clerks
The Big Lebowski
Office Space
Super Troopers

One of these movies is a film, crafted with great care by the Cohen brothers. One was shot at a convenience store after dark. One is a social commentary about the drudgeries of every day life in an office. One is about a bunch of cops in rural Vermont. The only thing these movies have in common are:
1. They are easily quotable, especially while drunk, and have memorable scenes (smashing a fax machine, chugging syrup, hockey on a roof, bathing with a marmot...ect
2. They all have cult followings, especially among the college-aged (though Clerks and Lebowski are a bit older than the current crop of collegians. The worst day of my life was sitting in a class last October and talking about movies in a group and the three people I was talking to hadn't ever heard of Clerks. Two were 19 and the other was a Vietnamese national who spoke little English.)
3. They all had little success in the box office, but became crazy popular once DVD came around. (Combined, these movies grossed $49.9 million*at the box office, which is about $4 million less than Shaggy Dog. I think I'm going to blow up Tim Allen.)

Anyway, I'm fine with my love of four somewhat dissimilar and slightly quirky films, and isn't rewatchability really the quest of the movie viewer? So this isn't what I'm writing about today.

I think I might have another movie for this particular Parthenon. Last week, I watched Waiting.

I'm sure you've heard of it, so I'll spare you such details as plot or who's in it (Luis Guzman and Dane Cook are probably the most well known), but I watched it and I really laughed my ass off. If I was to draw a connection to any of the other four I mentioned, I would say that it's like Office Space in a restaurant...or Super Troopers in a restaurant, I suppose. Perhaps Clerks in a restaurant. It's in a restaurant anyway.

One thing that Clerks and Office Space have in common is that they commentate about being in a mundane job, with presumably no way to get out. Waiting has that with Justin Long's character, Dean. He actually parallels the Dante character with his angst-filled existence, and dreams of rebellion in the face of promotion like Peter in Office Space.

The other half of Waiting draws on the Super Troopers' (down to the crazy shit on the wall) way of not taking anything too seriously at the job place. I won't divulge, but I saw the bat signal and laughed yesterday.

Hard as I can, I can't draw a comparison to Big Lebowski, just because the structures of the script are pretty dissimilar. The Dude looks like he might have been a cook at Shenaniganz.

I don't know if Waiting is up in the crew of four yet, but I've watched it a few times and I still laugh and see new jokes upon repetition. I've been working with the public for a while now, and this aspect of the film just drew me in. I have some friends that enjoyed it, and one that hated it. I will say it's telling that this girl has never worked with the public in her 27 years. Screw her, it's a funny movie.

Oh, and it grossed $16.1 million, meaning it would fit right in with the others. Finally, it also lent the name for this exercize in blogging. So there's that.

*The dollars aren't adjusted, but Super Troopers actually grossed the highest amount, over $18 million.

The Debut

2006-04-01T10:57:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Internet.

There is very little I like more than writing my thoughts about something. However, the problem with writing things for a publication is that they have "deadlines" and don't like you to use the words "titty fuck" as an expression.

On places like message boards, I have the unfortunateness of having a job, and taking some classes, so I run into the problem of discussion being either staled by time or runover by inactivity. Plus, I care more about what I think than what other people think. I blog dictatorially.

I love baseball. I love popular culture. I love politics. I love typing. Welcome to my Internet. Stay, agree with me, disagree with me, laugh with me, laugh at me, I don't care. Come for the posts, stay for the titty fucking.